I don’t use antivirus. Does that make me an oddball?

Damn, where’s the network administrator’s number? Aha, here it is: [telephone number withheld]. It’s ringing.

• Me: Hello, I’m having trouble with my mailbox. I can’t download my mail. The odd thing is I can send mail just fine.
• Administrator: Hmm… could it be the account? Have you got the username and password right?
• Me: Absolutely. I tried signing in through webmail and I use the same username and password in my mail client.
• Administrator: What about antivirus? Is it up to date?
• Me: Antivirus? It can’t be that.
• Administrator: How can you tell? Have you restarted the computer?
• Me: No, I don’t usually do that. The last time was about a month ago.
• Administrator: (brief pause) What about the antivirus? Is it up to date?
• Me: Antivirus? It can’t be that.
• Administrator: How can you tell?
• Me: I know! I uninstalled it about a year ago.
• Administrator: You did what? Why? (astonished)
• Me: It didn’t work the way I wanted.
• Administrator: How come you don’t have antivirus on your computer? How is that possible?
• Me: Back to the problem. My mail isn’t working and it isn’t because of antivirus.
• Administrator: Your computer has a virus. You have to install antivirus right away!
• Me: What makes you think my computer has a virus? (Apparently it’s because I don’t have antivirus.)
• Administrator: The behavior you’re describing is typical of a virus. You have to install antivirus right away!
• Me: Are you serious? Are you saying a virus behaves in a way that stops me downloading mail?
• Administrator: Yes, I’m serious. That’s how viruses behave!
• Me: All right, I’ll try to sort it out. Thanks for your time. (resigned)
• A few minutes later it turned out the problem was on the mail server.

I may be an oddball, but so far no virus has even made me toy with the idea of wrecking my computer with anything as dreadful as antivirus. For over three years I’ve been a more or less satisfied user of Windows 2000 at work and Windows XP at home. In that time the only actual computer virus infection I encountered was on a colleague’s computer, courtesy of an unpatched Outlook Express. Otherwise I hear about virus pandemics mainly through the media.

My years of experience with viruses leave me unfazed, despite the disaster scenarios Pavel Baudiš (ALWIL software) lays out in his regular virus column for Chip. Antivirus is useful once an infection has happened. Using it as a precaution strikes me as much like fitting winter tires and believing I won’t skid.

Both ideas are nonsense, of course. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve never heard of antivirus that could effectively prevent infection by a new type of virus. Antivirus programs, or rather their updates, always turn up
after the damage is done. The antivirus companies know about these “cosmetic” shortcomings, so they implant their products deep beneath the operating system’s skin.

As I see it, today’s viruses are weak concoctions built on social engineering. Activating one requires a fair amount of what I can only call user idiocy, if you’ll pardon the expression. Only a handful of specimens have appeared that don’t require user interaction. Set aside that smaller group, which a firewall and security patches filter out, and antivirus is just a fashion accessory.

I’m not trying to make light of the current security situation, quite the opposite. I use a firewall and am entirely happy with it. A well-trained spam filter protects my mail and sends all those pseudo-viruses
to their final resting place. I try to choose the software I use carefully and take care of it. Regular security updates are part of that routine.

I don’t use antivirus and won’t use it until an actual case convinces me that it’s useful in preventing an infection that ordinary means would not have stopped. Until then I’ll consider it an unnecessary piece of software.